Random Pictures

Recently Isaiah and Emma (Charlie and Sydney's cousins) came with David's parents to Oregon. On one of these days I decided to try and put Sydney's hair in pig-tails, and I thought it was sooooo cute that I just HAD to post the pictures!

Theo's Birthday

Theo would have turned five this year. I thought for some reason that by the time five years had passed, things would just be easier. I though that maybe I wouldn't miss him as much. Or that maybe the giant hole in my heart wouldn't still feel so empty. I just wonder when I'm going to be able to think about him, and not feel as though I've been punched really hard in the stomach (only it's my heart that feels that way). I can't help but try and imagine what he would have been like if... if things had turned out differently. Would he have had a similar personality to one of my nephews, Jared or Cade? I always use Jared and Cade as a refference, because they were each born only a few weeks before Theo was. I see how those two boys are and how they're best friends. If Theo had been healthy and lived, what would it look like to see the three of them play together, have sleepovers, etc. etc.?

When will the battle in my mind end? When will I not have to fight back those same emotions. You know, those "it's not fair!" emotions. I wish it would have been in God's will to have created a perfect heart for Theo. I wish I hadn't developed severe preeclampcia (toxemia) during my pregnancy with him so that at least he would have been giving a fair chance at recovering from his surgery! I wish things had not gone the way they had! I know... all the wishing in the world can't change what is. So... once again, I'm trying to accept it.

I've stopped asking the question "why?"... there is not an answer in the world that would make Theo's death "worth it" anyway. It's difficult to describe all the conflicting emotions that go on inside of me during this time of the year... or whenever I think of Theo, really. Before March of this year, I would begin with thinking of Theo, wondering what he would be like if he were still alive and had been created healthy. Then my mind would wander over to the "it's not fair" thing. And it would end with me being angry at God. I felt so unloved by Him that it caused a wall to begin building between He and me.

There is a difference between the way things are this year and the way things were in the four previous years, though. The difference is that, although I'm still battling the same emotions, I'm letting God's comforting arms wrap around me. I've let go of my anger toward Him, because it's so lonely living my life without Him. I'm letting Him completely back into my life, and this... well, it's good.

On Theo's birthday (December 1st) we got our Christmas tree (just as we've done every year since his death). Here are some pics. They aren't the best, but usually I forget my camera altogether, so this is an improvement! Lol!

Below are some pictures of Charlie and Sydney picking out a toy from the the "Toy Shop", which is a little shed that the owners of the Christmas tree farmers put together for the kids that come to help pick out a tree with their parents. Each child gets to pick one toy to take home with them. I think it's such a special idea! Charlie picked out a gun, and Sydney picked out a little noise-making-bike.

In the above picture, Charlie had made his choice of a gun! (It actually looked quite real for being a toy.)