In addition to the financial, He seems to be expanding the limits of my faith in Him in many other areas. I'm realizing that I have "trust issues" in many different areas, and He is helping me to overcome them... one at a time. Last year, on the weekend of March 16th, a wall that had been built up between myself and God crumbled! Over this past year, I've had to make conscious decision after conscious decision to put off all those things that Satin would try to remind me of in order to build up that wall again... to remind me of the reason to be distrustful of God. It's been a work in progress... a painful death to my belief in my own ability to control my own life... a death to "me" and so much life and true security in Him!
To add to this, back in October of this past fall, I realized that I'd been set free from my "trust issues" concerning my marriage relationship. This was HUGE! I was feeling, for the first time in many years, true joy in my heart... and more importantly, I was feeling myself falling in love with God... something I had thought wasn't possible to regain. It appeared as though the pieces of my own life were beginning to come together again. I was happy. David and I had a plan to get out of our financial mess, and we were going to make it!
Then at the beginning of January I found out I was pregnant. This threw me for a loop! What was God thinking?! We were on the right track, and now.... really, God, NOW? I was afraid that my faith in God was going to go away... I'd finally found it again, and now what was going to happen?? This was (in my mind) bad timing! I mean, it was fine if He wanted us to have another baby... I wasn't upset about THAT. I was just upset that He hadn't waited until our finances were in order first! What was He thinking???
Well, over the past couple of months, my faith in Him has expanded yet again... As I've been struggling, He's sent someone or something that would speak to that doubt. I've been worried about how we would be able to provide for our existing family, and now how would we do when this new little one arrived? I'd gotten rid of all (I mean ALL) of our baby things. I just didn't see how we were going to be able to do it. Then he sent me the scripture where Jesus is telling His disciples that if His Father in Heaven cares enough to provide for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, then how much more does He care about you to provide for you? It really spoke to my heart, and I've been holding tight to this scripture (I really need to look up the exact reference, though... Lol!)
Well, I'd found it! Rest... ahhhh, yes... now I thought that I could finally rest... ummm... nope! He wanted me to face yet one more thing. Church. We'd been going off and on since about November to this church (Gresham Bible Church). We liked the worship and sermons, and liked the people there a lot. And THAT scared me! I kept suggesting that we go try out another church here... another church there... but we always left those churches knowing that it just wasn't where God wanted us to be. Well, it all hit me this past Sunday that the reason I wanted to keep Gresham Bible Church at arms' length was because of another TRUST ISSUE! Lol! I was sitting there trying to figure out why it was that I kept coming up with reasons to avoid Gresham Bible Church, when in my heart I felt drawn to it. Well, the obvious reason that would come to most minds would probably be that I'd grown up in a cult, and that maybe I was afraid that I was only drawn to this church because what if it was the beginnings of a cult too... but no. That wasn't it. The reason I wanted to push away from this church, was simply this: I'd lost all my friends twice. Both times was the result of leaving corrupt churches. I was afraid of going through that pain again. I didn't want to connect with people in a church because of that... and it was just easier to go to large churches where there would be no connection. The people at Gresham Bible Church were friendly... there were those that wanted a friendship with us... this was what scared me... connection. Wow! What a revelation! I'm not saying that I've overcome this one yet, but it's one that I'm working on, and I have total faith that God will lead me through this fog.
I just wanted to bring across the point that God is faithful, even when I'm doubtful. I'm excited to see that He seems to be in the process of causing my faith to grow, and for that I'm truly thankful!
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