Troy's Surgery - My Brokenness

I'm writing this in order to shed some light on a topic about which is rarely spoken.  I have to say, I hesitated in publishing this on my blog because I feared that there would be those who would judge me harshly for opening up my heart and exposing it to whomever wished to read it.  However, I have a reason that emboldens me to publish it anyway: I would like to give opportunity to those of you who do not suffer in this way to be able to have more insight and understanding about this, and my hope is that with that insight will come compassion for those of us who have gone through this kind of trauma.  I know I'm not the only one, but I do not presume to speak on behalf of anyone other than myself.  I speak based on only my own experiences; I'm a mom with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I wasn't always weak in this way.  I used to be able to handle many hard things.  I used to be able to handle stressful situations with ease.  Things are different now... I am different.

There's a certain level of anxiety that I believe is normal for any parent to experience before, during and after their child undergoes a surgery.  I was that parent once, so I remember what that level of anxiety feels like.  I believe, however, that it is extremely more difficult for a parent with P.T.S.D. to manage the stress and anxiety they experience during this time.

In the weeks leading up to the surgery that my fourth-born, Troy, would need to undergo, I tried my best to turn my anxiety over to Jesus through prayer.  I was concerned... concerned that all of the things in the hospital would trigger flash-backs to when my first child, Theo, was in the hospital.  I knew that it would be difficult to be "present" for Troy if that were to happen.  I was anxious about that, and I was anxious about he, himself, being cut open and sewn back up again.  I was nervous about the recovery, and dared to hope that everything would go well this time.  But then I would find my mind wandering off, wandering back in time, to when we'd faced having to watch Theo go through surgery nearly 10 years prior.  I would think about how little he was at only 4 weeks old, and I would then remind myself that Troy was big and healthy and was 4 years old.  As fear attempted again and again to grip my heart and mind, I would fight it reminding myself (out loud at times), "Troy is big and healthy... and he is not going in for open-heart surgery."  This became my mantra.  It helped.

When you've been through this battle before... and lost... everything is familiar to your emotions.  The all-too-familiar pre-op conversations with the surgical team:  The surgeon warns you what is about to happen, what may go wrong and the unlikelihood of that happening. The introduction of the anesthesiologist is made, and he explains what to expect, and some warnings about unlikely but possible side effects are communicated to you. Then the pre-op meeting with the O.R. nurse is next, and he explains from his perspective what to expect.  The "unlikely" things that they are obligated to tell us about become all you hear, because last time it was the unlikely things that the surgeon had warned us about that had actually ended up happening.  It's difficult --more like a major fight-- to stay "present" for your child that is still living and is about to go into surgery, when everything around you reminds you of the last time you were in this situation so many years ago. To not lose all control of emotions, and to not become paralyzed with fear that history will repeat itself (no matter how illogical or irrational) is a HUGE battle.

That moment though, the moment we said "goodbye" as Troy was being wheeled away to the operating room, I knew how to appear strong in front of him, because I'd experienced appearing strong for a child of mine before.  I knew how to say goodbye, and I hugged and kissed him.  Not knowing if I was lying to him, I spoke the words, telling him he was going to go take a nap, but that we'd see him when he woke up.  We (my husband and I) knew how to say that.  While fear attempted to grab at us again and remind us that we might be saying goodbye for longer, we stayed strong at least until he was far enough away that he could no longer see us or hear us.  Then the tears overpowered what little resistance remained in me, and knowing that I no longer needed to appear strong, I gave in to them.

I have no memory of what physically happened between that moment and the moment we were eight floors down in line at the Starbucks located in the hospital lobby.  Weakened, my mind had finally succumbed to the flash-backs, and I began to relive the horribly tragic and gut-wrenching loss we'd been through when we lost our first son, Theo.  He hadn't survived recovery from his surgery.  The beeping of the machines, the smells of the hospital, the nurses in scrubs, everything triggered flash-backs.  And they came like a flood.  I relived his birth, where I should have died but didn't.  I relived the washing of my hands every time I'd entered the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  All the many, many hours, day after day, I spent holding him listening to the tiny sounds he'd occasionally make, changing and weighing his diapers, and watching the monitor that told of his heart-rate, oxygen levels, etc..  I relived holding him in my arms, and the way he sucked on my pinky finger so strongly for an entire forty-five minutes that morning before being wheeled away by his surgical team.  The snicker-doodle cookies made for me by my mother-in-law were delicious, but I couldn't eat them because my stomach was tied in knots.  I relived the surgeon telling us that the open-heart surgery had gone well, and that the repair on the two very large holes in his heart was now completed... the relief that we felt upon hearing the good news... wondering how long his recovery would be; we wondered when he would be well enough to finally bring home.  I relived looking at him after his open heart surgery.  The gigantic slit down the front of Theo's chest, the puffiness where the skin had been stitched closed.  I relived the moment when a week later his doctors began to hint at the fact that we may need to prepare ourselves to let him go and take him off of life-support.  And, yes, I relived the moment our parents surrounded Theo with us as I held him... and our dads had prayed over him... and we all shed more tears together... and... the moment the machines were turned off, the moment we gave him direction and permission to go be with Jesus, and the moment his heart ceased beating.  In my mind, I relived it all.  I relived all six weeks of Theo's life in the time it took to get from the waiting room on the eighth floor to standing in line at the Starbucks on the first floor.

It may take awhile, but when you realize you'd made it to the point when your son was being wheeled away before the flash-backs had begun, you feel so thankful... because you know you were really able to be "there" for your child.  Just to be "there" for your child in these circumstances, these surroundings, and in this situation, is a major victory.

These are the things that I imagine seeming invisible from the outsider's perspective, but are huge tumultuous mental battles (and triumphs) for parents like me.  These are the things for which I give thanks.  I give thanks that I experienced for the first time in my life (on Tuesday, September 16th, 2014) getting to see a child of mine actually wake up from a surgery.  What a glorious moment (and quite frankly, a surprise) that was!  I don't know what I was expecting, but inside I was preparing for a much longer wait, and the possibility that he wouldn't wake up at all was definitely in the recesses of my mind.  To see a child of mine wake up after surgery was new and wonderful, and at that moment my heart felt relieved from the constricted painful weight it had been enduring up until that point.  I also experienced that day getting to take a child of mine home from the hospital after a surgery.  To say that these things were "big deals" doesn't even begin to describe it.

The collapse after getting home comes because of mental and emotional exhaustion.  It comes because of the relief of having gotten through it.   You'd prepared for the worst, braced yourself all day long for the worst, and fought the fear, fought the memories, fought through prayer for the well-being of your child, and fought to say "not my will but Yours be done" once again.  And relief comes that you did not have to relive, repeat, and endure the past all over again.  This is why the "collapse" happens, and although you're able to go about the motions, it takes days to recover mentally from it.

This is why prayers are necessary and so important for parents like me.  This is why parents like me ask for prayer and are so grateful to be bathed in them during these kinds of situations.  I believe we are strengthened and able to endure because of them.

Summer 2014 Random Thoughts

    I just love my family.  I mean... I'm soooo happy!  I love my husband, I love love LOVE him!  I am so thankful that he is the man he is; that he's the husband he is; that he's the father he is.  We just celebrated his birthday yesterday, and he turned 34... THIRTY-FOUR!!  He's got such a passion for life, a thankfulness for whatever comes his way, an optimism like no other, and a love for his wife and kids.  He is a musician, teacher, composer, athlete, visionary, and the love of my life.  I'm amazed by him... sigh...

    I've been thinking about how much I complain about things lately.  I really want to be more like David.  I really want to have thankfulness be on my tongue like it is on his.  I want to genuinely see the good in each and every situation.  I think this will be what I purpose to do.  I think I'm going to change my tongue to speak good and grateful things instead of whining and complaining about the little things that aren't just exactly how I want them to all be.  I will follow my husband's example: an optimistic, thankful, flexible, and loving attitude.  Oh boy, am I in for the long haul, because even though I hope it can be an overnight change, I will prepare for it to be a process... especially when it comes to me!  ;-)

    The kids are about to begin a full week of VBS at our church.  I'm so excited, and so are they, because this is the first time all three of them will be old enough to go!  Troy wanted to last year, but he wasn't quite old enough, and hadn't fully potty-trained yet... he was potty-trained by the end of that week, though, because I'd told him he couldn't go to VBS because of not being potty-trained.  Oh, he was motivated after that!  I loved it!  So this year they're all going, and I get to have almost 3 hours of free time to myself to get things done around the house, go to the library by myself, have coffee with a friend, etc., etc....  CAN'T WAIT!

 

Thanksgiving, Texas, Christmas, and New Years

     We had a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with my parents.  My mom hosted, and she put out a lot of effort to make it beautiful.  She brought out her china and special tableware.  The table looked beautiful!  I really wish I'd thought of taking a picture of it at the time.  I appreciate these things, because I don't have the natural gift of decorating.  It seemed everywhere I looked there was a little touch of autumn or something to represent the holiday.  On my grandma's baby grand sat my parents' Bible open to the Psalm of thanksgiving.  As we all gathered at the table to eat (after the hustle and bustle of last minute preparations were finished), my dad read the Psalm in place of the dinner prayer.  It was so special.  After feasting on all the delicious food, we ladies cleaned up, and we all played some games.  What a fun Thankgiving it was!

    I went to Texas to see my brother graduate from Texas A&M in December.  I was so proud, so emotional, and so exctatic for him and my sister-in-law.  They had made great sacrifices, jumped HUGE hurdles, slept little, worked hard, and fought battles to finally get to this point.  I spent the entire weekend choking back tears.  Even as I type this, my eyes get blurry with tears I'm holding at bay.  I'm so happy for them!  Congratulations Tanner and Noelle!!!

    I got home from Texas, only to turn around five short days later to head to Idaho with my husband and kiddos for Christmas.  We spent almost two weeks in Idaho.  Our "adopted" sister, Alessa, spent the first week with us while we were out there.  What a wonderful time that was.  We had hoped it would snow while we were out there, but alas... it didn't.  Not enough to count anyway.  That's okay, though.  We had a really wonderful time.  Mary put out a lot of effort to make her home look so magical!  Everywhere I turned there was either a star set against a garland with white lights, or the beautiful Christmas tree with the train going round and roung beneath it, and piles and piles of presents beside and around the tree.  Also candles here and there... wonderful food... gamess being played by jolly children and their uncles and aunties... laughter filled the air... while puzzles were being put together... a book being read in the midst of it all by a quiet reader.

    New Years was filled with appetizers, family, new friends, and... KARAKOE!!!!  It was verry fun, and very loud, and lots of laughter, and lots of good memories were made!  All in all, our trip to Idaho, was wonderful.  We are so appreciative of the reletives we have.  Each lend wonderful qualities, and enjoyable company.  We are a very blessed little family, and have decided to count those blessing one by one... they really add up, you know?

A Busy Beginning to Our Fall

Life is sooooo busy right now.  I've been juggling some difficult relationship issues, Charlie's schedule at the high school for rehearsals for Peter Pan, homeschooling Charlie and Sydney, keeping up with church functions and commitments (i.e. choir, kids club, worship team), and not to mention food shopping, cleaning our house, and making meals.  Yes, I'm "just a stay-at-home mom". Sigh.  It's really been amazing, however, how much God has been carrying us through this busyness. He really is faithful!  I've met some really genuine people at our new church (Happy Valley Evangelical Church), and I'm so thankful for the embrace we've felt from this church body.  It's been such a gift from God to our family.

I want to mention a few things about Peter Pan; okay, maybe more than just a few (haha).  Charlie has been LOVING playing the part of Michael (the youngest of the Darling family members).  He has had a very VERY busy schedule. Most weeks he's been called every day of the week except Sunday.  One week he was called Sunday through Saturday.  That was a whopper of a week!  He is super cute, as he is the youngest and littlest member of the cast!  He's had flying practice every Saturday, and some weekdays up until the beginning of this past week.  They've had to work through some difficulties with the flying crew.  Charlie thought it was pretty funny when he and Meagan's (the girl playing Peter Pan) wires got all tangled up. (lol) They've gotten better and better, though, and are now doing great! This week and next week he flies every day and is connected to a wireless microphone, as well as a harness around his waist which is a lot like a corset and is very tight.  He acts, dances, sings, and flies; what more could a kid ask for?  And he's doing an incredible job!  He's totally in his element, and wants to continue to be involved in theater.  Late last week, he was interviewed by the Clackamas Review (and they took pictures of his rehearsal that day).  Yesterday, he and select other cast members were on AMNW news on KATU (Channel 2) to promote the musical!  It was pretty cool!

Our prayer right now is simple.  We are praying for health, especially through the next two and half weeks.  Opening night is next Friday night, and I will be housing the Mitchems, the Paynes, Stephen, and Steve & Mary!  It will be a really fun weekend, but I really hope nobody gets sick as Charlie has one more weekend after that to perform, and the Mitchems and Paynes will be putting on the play The Importance of Being Ernest shortly after they return home.  So I'm praying for health.

Life is Now After Three Years

I haven't written a blog post in almost THREE YEARS! Wow! I will tell you why, though. Three years ago, my laptop stopped working.  I could no longer type while sitting back and sipping a cup of tea or a glass of red wine... so sadly my blog entries discontinued.

I'm not going to try and recap everything that has gone on in the last three years, rather, I'll just jump right in with what is going on in our lives currently.

Charlie is now seven years old, and in second grade.  He's got such a sweet nature, and a thirst for knowledge, exploration of the outdoors, and anything related to music.  Right now he's rehearsing almost every day (M-F) with the Clackamas High School on their Peter Pan musical.  He auditioned at the beginning of this month (September), and landed the role he wanted with flying colors!  Michael!  He's having so much fun, and doing great!  The highschool students all think he's just so adorable, and Mr. Knox (the director) never ceases to be amazed at how Charlie delivers his lines with volume, expression in his voice, and the expressions on Charlies face seam to crack Mr. Knox up (to the point of him having to turn his face away and chuckle secretly delighted with Charlie).  Do I sound like a proud mamma, or what?!  Well, I am!!

Sydney is now five years old, and has just begun kindergarten.  She's such a girlie girl, and has such an immagination!  She loves anything artistic, and keeps Troy busy for lengths of time with her creative make-believe worlds she imagines up for them to play in.  She's been surprising me with how fast she's catching on to basic reading skills!  Just last week she was so excited as the light bulb lit up within her brain as she discovered the words "hop, mop, cop, bop, stop, flop, glop" etc.  She was litterally jumping up and down in her chair!  I am so proud of my smart little girlie girl!

Troy just turned 3 last week!  He is quite a boy!  He's stayed "off the charts" with regard to height and weight since he was born.  He's been walking since he was twelve months old, and is SUCH a mamma's boy!  Today marks the end of summer, and he is now potty trained (both during the day and at night), so we are officially OUT OF DIAPERS!! Last night, however, he had an accident in his bed (the first time in a couple weeks), and woke up crying.  After settling him in the little make-shift bed on the floor in our room, he was asleep for a few minutes before having what I assume was a nightmare.  I opened my eyes to find him standing next to my side of the bed saying, "Mommy... there are worms."  I said, "No, there are no worms."  He said, "Yes, the worms are in the bed and trying to get me."  Hmmmm... by this point I was deleriously tired, and only thought to comfort him from what he thought was real... so I drew him into snuggle and sleep with me.  He moved and shifted all night long, and somehow woke up refreshed and cheerful.  Me?  Not so much.  My sweet husband let me sleep in :-)

Life is good.  Fall is beginning.  I can't help but feel sad as the last day of summer draws to a close today.  Climate is so important to me!  Summer is my favorite season.  I love hot days, warm evenings, water sports, and sun tans!  Not to mention all the sunshine!!  As fall sets in this year, I'm determined to try to find little things that are nice about the season and not (for once in years) label fall the "death of summer".  Haha!

Troy's Growth, Sydney's Cut, and Charlie's Experimentations

As of last week, Troy (at a little over 5 months old) weighed in at 20lbs. 7oz.! Surprise surprise, right? I know... all of my children have been big, and Troy's no different! He got his first tooth at the end of January, and started rolled over on a regular basis only a little over a week ago. He smiles, giggles, grabs at things and puts them into his mouth, and LOVES the jumping play-gym in which he gets set! Charlie and Sydney take turns "babysitting" their jolly little brother at times when Mommy needs to finish up a few dishes, dinner, etc. "Babysitting" entails entertaining their brother so that he'll stop fussing just a few more minutes until Mommy or Daddy can come attend to his needs. Charlie in particular takes his job as "big brother" rather seriously (and naturally). He shows genuine interest in Troy, and will play with him, and giggle and laugh at Troy's responses to the things Charlie does to try and entertain him. Sydney, on the other hand, shows interest as much as an almost-3-year-old would be expected. She will get down on the floor with him, saying, "Hi, Tay... hi, Tay..." She'll give him a quick kiss, and then she's on to bigger, better, more interesting things.

Last week Charlie did quite the experiment on Sydney. He cut her hair. Her hair was finally at the length where I could braid it. Now it looks like Julia Andrews' hair in The Sound of Music... it actually might be even shorter! Yes, my children can be wonderful angels at times, and then perfectly mischievous at others... I guess their normal. Here are a few videos take on my phone. Hopefully they'll turn out okay.

Quick Update

We've had quite the busy fall/winter! We had Thanksgiving in Idaho this year with David's parents, which was absolute wonderful! We were all able to celebrate Thanksgiving inside Steve's and Mary's beautiful new house, and were surrounded by lots and lots of snow. It felt like we had entered into Narnia. Our week out there was so relaxing, and we had a great time visiting with everyone.

Tessa's (my sister) wedding was coming up, and David and I immediately went into bachelorette party preparations, as well as preparations for the bachelor party, and a bridal shower also hosted at our home... all happening the weekend following our return from Idaho. Following that weekend was the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner (on Friday), and the next day was the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding! Tessa made such a beautiful bride! I was honored to be a bride's maid (well, "bride's matron" I guess), and David looked so hansom in his tux (he was one of Steve's groomsmen). Sydney was also in the wedding as --yep! you guessed it!-- a flower girl! She really thought that she was a princess for the day, and cried when we had to go home, saying, "Noooo, Mommy.... I don't want to go home. I'm a bootiful pwintheth."

After Tessa's wedding, we went into preparations for our family photos (I'll add them later). We were thrilled with Peter Mahar, and we hope to make it an anual thing to have him take our family portraits! (If anyone's interested, you can see some of his work, as well as pictures from my sister's wedding at: www.petermahar.com) We had a piano recital for our students later the next week, and the day after the recital we hosted (at our home) a concert for about 50 people. It went great!

We had about a week break between the choir performance and Christmas, so we decided to take it easy. At the last minute, however, we decided to host a little gathering at our house for Christmas Eve. Friends, family, games, appetizers, soup, and dessert. It was just perfect. On Christmas morning, we made a big breakfast including eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit, cinnamon rolls, sticky buns, and orange juice! Our kids opened their stockings, ate breakfast, and then opened their presents from under the tree. I have to say... it was a very magical morning.

Needless to say, by the time New Years Eve rolled around, we were kind of ready for a quiet night by ourselves. So that's just what we did. We put the kids to bed, and watch a TV series to bring in the New Year.

Now we're planning a Valentine's Day fundraising banquet for the choir, and it's going to be a blast! We're planning a five-course meal, live musical entertainment, a silent auction, and beautiful ambiance. We hope to raise enough money to record a CD... maybe a few!

Well, that's how our season has gone so far -- busy busy busy! But we like it that way... as long as there's a bit of a break every-so-often.