Theo's Birthday

Theo would have turned five this year. I thought for some reason that by the time five years had passed, things would just be easier. I though that maybe I wouldn't miss him as much. Or that maybe the giant hole in my heart wouldn't still feel so empty. I just wonder when I'm going to be able to think about him, and not feel as though I've been punched really hard in the stomach (only it's my heart that feels that way). I can't help but try and imagine what he would have been like if... if things had turned out differently. Would he have had a similar personality to one of my nephews, Jared or Cade? I always use Jared and Cade as a refference, because they were each born only a few weeks before Theo was. I see how those two boys are and how they're best friends. If Theo had been healthy and lived, what would it look like to see the three of them play together, have sleepovers, etc. etc.?

When will the battle in my mind end? When will I not have to fight back those same emotions. You know, those "it's not fair!" emotions. I wish it would have been in God's will to have created a perfect heart for Theo. I wish I hadn't developed severe preeclampcia (toxemia) during my pregnancy with him so that at least he would have been giving a fair chance at recovering from his surgery! I wish things had not gone the way they had! I know... all the wishing in the world can't change what is. So... once again, I'm trying to accept it.

I've stopped asking the question "why?"... there is not an answer in the world that would make Theo's death "worth it" anyway. It's difficult to describe all the conflicting emotions that go on inside of me during this time of the year... or whenever I think of Theo, really. Before March of this year, I would begin with thinking of Theo, wondering what he would be like if he were still alive and had been created healthy. Then my mind would wander over to the "it's not fair" thing. And it would end with me being angry at God. I felt so unloved by Him that it caused a wall to begin building between He and me.

There is a difference between the way things are this year and the way things were in the four previous years, though. The difference is that, although I'm still battling the same emotions, I'm letting God's comforting arms wrap around me. I've let go of my anger toward Him, because it's so lonely living my life without Him. I'm letting Him completely back into my life, and this... well, it's good.

On Theo's birthday (December 1st) we got our Christmas tree (just as we've done every year since his death). Here are some pics. They aren't the best, but usually I forget my camera altogether, so this is an improvement! Lol!

Below are some pictures of Charlie and Sydney picking out a toy from the the "Toy Shop", which is a little shed that the owners of the Christmas tree farmers put together for the kids that come to help pick out a tree with their parents. Each child gets to pick one toy to take home with them. I think it's such a special idea! Charlie picked out a gun, and Sydney picked out a little noise-making-bike.

In the above picture, Charlie had made his choice of a gun! (It actually looked quite real for being a toy.)

Another Charlie-ism

Lately Charlie's been talking more and more about monsters. A couple of weeks ago he said, "When I see a monster, mommy, I will run reawy (really) fast, right?" I asked him why, and he said, "Because monsters will try and get me." So I thought about it for a few seconds, and then I looked at him straight in the eyes, and said, "Charlie. If you ever see a monster, this is what you do." His attention was completely captured. "If you see a monster, or hear a monster, all you have to do is say, 'Go away in Jesus' Name!!'" I had him practice saying it a few times, and then we showed Daddy at dinner time. Over the past few weeks we've periodically asked him what he's suppose to say if he sees a monster. He always answers confidently (and loudly... lol) saying, "Go away in Jesus' name!" What can I say? I think Charlie is pretty excited about this new found phrase.

Well, earlier this week, one evening Charlie was looking out the window and mentioned monsters, so David asked him what he should say if he saw a monster. Charlie answered, "Daddy, I see monsters out the window, and I say, 'Go away in Jesus' name', and then the monsters run away reawwy reawwwy fast!" Then he squinted while he tried to make his voice sound as grown up as possible, "And then they go and eat worms and bugs and stuff." The look on his face told us that having to do that would be the worst punishment for anyone.

Our Recent Scare

Wednesday morning I got up, took out a pot, poured the appropriate amount of water and oatmeal in it, and turned the burner on high. Then I turned on the lights in the kitchen (it was a grey day) and also in the dining room. After a couple of seconds, the lights turned off - the electricity in our house was out.

For those of you who don't already know this, we've got MAJOR construction happening on our street right in front of our house. The electricity going out was just another frustrating part of the progression. David went down and asked the construction workers how long it would be before we had our power back. They said it would "...probably be a couple of hours." So we decided to go put some more piano lessons signs up around town. We spent the next couple of hours doing that. We took the kids to Carl's Jr. for lunch on our way home, and I thought, Wow! All these french fries... I'm going to have to make sure Charlie gets some fiber in his diet today... like, oatmeal. That's when I almost shouted, "OH NO!" David looked at me, wondering what the heck I was wrong. "I forgot to turn off the burner for the oatmeal before we left! What if they've turned the power back on!"

We RACED home, and as we drove up our road toward our driveway, a PGE truck was heading our way. We motioned him to stop and to roll down his window (nobody drives more than 10-15 mph because our road is all torn up). We asked him if he'd just now turned back on the power for the houses in the area, and he looked confused as he said, "Ummm, no... I turned it on a couple of hours ago."

We skidded down our driveway and up to our house! I jumped out of the car, and ran into a smoke-filled house. I could barely make out the objects right in front of me, and coughing all the way to the stove, I turned off the burner and ran the pot outside. I ran back into the house, and (again hacking uncontrollably) I began opening every single window and door in the house. I then went back outside, and deliver the news that there was miraculously no fire. My throat, however, was on fire for the rest of the day... and everything in the house (curtain, couches, rugs, walls, cupboards, clothing in our walk-in-closet, etc.) held the stench of smoke. Needless to say, I took the kids to my parents' house for the rest of the day while the house aired out.

So... when people say that "... construction is so annoying..." -- I know exactly what they're talking about!

Charlie Moments

Charlie's been saying some really funny things lately, so I thought I'd blog about them. Even just thinking about them makes me chuckle.

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Last weekend Charlie had had his cousins over for a sleep-over, and they'd watched Toy Story. Well, there's this part in that movie where Buzz Lightyear jumps off of Andy's bed in order to prove that he wasn't just a toy, but that he really was THE Buzz Lightyear. To prove it, he was going to show all the other toys that he could really fly. Now, right before he jumps off, he shouts, "To infinity and beyond!" Okay, so I was sitting on one end of the couch the other day, and Charlie was on the opposite end. He stands up, puts his arms up in the air (kind of like Superman), and shouts, "To be funny and BEYOND!"

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Today I was folding laundry on my bed when Charlie walked in with a tape-measurer. I asked him, "What are you doing, Charlie?"

He said mater-of-factly, "I'm measuring the bed."

I said, "Oh, okay." He continued to do just that. He measured the side, then the hight.

I asked, "How big is it?"

He smacked his lips (the way one does when trying to get a horse to start walking) and answered in as grown-up of a voice as he could, "Eight years old."

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Summer

Wow! What a busy summer this has been! It's weird that it's been so busy, but I can't exactly pinpoint WHY we've been so busy (lol... so sad!). But anyway... I thought I'd just post some pictures since I really don't have much to say.

Lately we've had lots and LOTS of stuff going on! No, I mean it! Here's what we've had going on in just the past WEEK: Last Tuesday I taught piano lessons from 4 to 6, and after that we had our last practice (after 3 MONTHS of rehearsals), Thursday we put on a performance of classical music for the family, friends and community. Also, David's parents came into town that day, and also my sister's family! Okay, so Friday was a juggle of spending time with my sister and getting ready for a birthday celebration with David's parents that evening. Also, David's sister's family arrived, and later that night his brother arrived! Saturday we went over to have "breakfast" at 11am with my parents and sister's family (David's parents went back home early in the morning). That same night we had another rehearsal to do! Sunday we went down to Silverton for my grandpa's 80th birthday party. Every Monday night we lead and host a Jus training meeting. Ummmm... yeah... this is what we've been doing.

Of course, all of this has happened in between Charlie and Sydney playing and playing and playing some more with all their cousins! It's been so cute, and I wish they could play with their cousins like this all the time! Talia and Jacob brought their kids' pool down with them, and Charlie's had an absolute BLAST playing in it! And he's also had soooooooooooooo much fun having Rebecca and Todd's kids to play with while they've been here! I don't think he'll know what to do with himself after they go home tomorrow... oh, he'll be so sad... and board!

Friday night we put our kids to bed at my parents' house (and then spent the evening playing Wii-bowling... so much fun!) Anyway, it was a wonderfully weird experience to wake up on Saturday morning to no crying, no changing diapers, no getting kids their breakfast, etc. We slept until we felt like getting up, got ready to leave, and then left. Simple. Easy. Quick. These are words I've almost forgotten the meanings of in regards to leaving the house (lol). Wow! What a blessing my parents have been to us!

So off to Seattle we went to visit Stephen. We had a blast! It was a really fun weekend!