Charlie, Sydney, and Baby Updates

Charlie's birthday is on March 22nd, and Sydney's in on March 31st, so we thought it'd be fun to throw them a joint birthday party! David's parents came into town for their birthdays and brought Asha and Heidi with them.... so that was an extra treat! I was overwhelmed at the outpouring of love that everyone showed our kids! Thanks to everyone, Charlie and Sydney had a wonderful party.

Since then Charlie's been telling EVERYONE that he's now four. When I tell him not to do something, he even says to me, "No, Mommy... I can do it, 'cause I'm four." He's been really coming out with some pretty funny statements lately... usually all from the bathroom. The other day I heard him shout from the bathroom (with pure delight at his new discovery), "Mommy! My peepee is like a waterfall!"

When we were sitting at the table eating pancakes today he said, "Oh my! I have to go peepee, Mommy!" Then he tilts his head to the side and adds, "I think pancakes make me have to go peepee." After running to the bathroom, we heard him shout really loudly, "DON'T EAT MY PANCAKES!"

Sydney has now undergone an entire week of "potty training", and she's doing great! She's having very few accidents now, and is even getting the hang of taking her underwear off BEFORE she sits on the toilet to pee or poo now (lol). It's going to be nice to get a break from changing diapers for a bit before our next little one arrives. Both Charlie and Sydney were in diapers for the first year of Sydney's life, so it's been just over four years with NO breaks, so I'm kind of ready for one!

Matthew 6:25-34

Thanks to my cousin's knowing her Bible references so well, she was able to give me the exact scripture passage that I was talking about in my previous blog posting. Thanks Stephanie! I thought I'd share it all with you, because it is such an encouraging passage.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Faith

I figured it was about time to update my blog, since it's been awhile (sorry about that). Our family has been very busy lately, which is just the result of God blessing our efforts in our businesses! I've gained six students over just this past month! David's business has turned a wonderful corner, and is growing and growing! Yes, we're grateful for all that God is doing in our lives financially right now.

In addition to the financial, He seems to be expanding the limits of my faith in Him in many other areas. I'm realizing that I have "trust issues" in many different areas, and He is helping me to overcome them... one at a time. Last year, on the weekend of March 16th, a wall that had been built up between myself and God crumbled! Over this past year, I've had to make conscious decision after conscious decision to put off all those things that Satin would try to remind me of in order to build up that wall again... to remind me of the reason to be distrustful of God. It's been a work in progress... a painful death to my belief in my own ability to control my own life... a death to "me" and so much life and true security in Him!

To add to this, back in October of this past fall, I realized that I'd been set free from my "trust issues" concerning my marriage relationship. This was HUGE! I was feeling, for the first time in many years, true joy in my heart... and more importantly, I was feeling myself falling in love with God... something I had thought wasn't possible to regain. It appeared as though the pieces of my own life were beginning to come together again. I was happy. David and I had a plan to get out of our financial mess, and we were going to make it!

Then at the beginning of January I found out I was pregnant. This threw me for a loop! What was God thinking?! We were on the right track, and now.... really, God, NOW? I was afraid that my faith in God was going to go away... I'd finally found it again, and now what was going to happen?? This was (in my mind) bad timing! I mean, it was fine if He wanted us to have another baby... I wasn't upset about THAT. I was just upset that He hadn't waited until our finances were in order first! What was He thinking???

Well, over the past couple of months, my faith in Him has expanded yet again... As I've been struggling, He's sent someone or something that would speak to that doubt. I've been worried about how we would be able to provide for our existing family, and now how would we do when this new little one arrived? I'd gotten rid of all (I mean ALL) of our baby things. I just didn't see how we were going to be able to do it. Then he sent me the scripture where Jesus is telling His disciples that if His Father in Heaven cares enough to provide for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, then how much more does He care about you to provide for you? It really spoke to my heart, and I've been holding tight to this scripture (I really need to look up the exact reference, though... Lol!)

Well, I'd found it! Rest... ahhhh, yes... now I thought that I could finally rest... ummm... nope! He wanted me to face yet one more thing. Church. We'd been going off and on since about November to this church (Gresham Bible Church). We liked the worship and sermons, and liked the people there a lot. And THAT scared me! I kept suggesting that we go try out another church here... another church there... but we always left those churches knowing that it just wasn't where God wanted us to be. Well, it all hit me this past Sunday that the reason I wanted to keep Gresham Bible Church at arms' length was because of another TRUST ISSUE! Lol! I was sitting there trying to figure out why it was that I kept coming up with reasons to avoid Gresham Bible Church, when in my heart I felt drawn to it. Well, the obvious reason that would come to most minds would probably be that I'd grown up in a cult, and that maybe I was afraid that I was only drawn to this church because what if it was the beginnings of a cult too... but no. That wasn't it. The reason I wanted to push away from this church, was simply this: I'd lost all my friends twice. Both times was the result of leaving corrupt churches. I was afraid of going through that pain again. I didn't want to connect with people in a church because of that... and it was just easier to go to large churches where there would be no connection. The people at Gresham Bible Church were friendly... there were those that wanted a friendship with us... this was what scared me... connection. Wow! What a revelation! I'm not saying that I've overcome this one yet, but it's one that I'm working on, and I have total faith that God will lead me through this fog.

I just wanted to bring across the point that God is faithful, even when I'm doubtful. I'm excited to see that He seems to be in the process of causing my faith to grow, and for that I'm truly thankful!

January 11th ~ Year 5

The anniversary of Theo's death came quickly this year. Our family woke up, ate breakfast, and headed out to Fred Myer's for the usual: a single rose from each member of our little family (a total of four). Then we headed up to the cemetery. We each placed our rose on his gravestone, and then David said a prayer of thanks for the time we had been privileged to spend with our son.

David had a million and one meetings in the afternoon that day, so Charlie and I did the rest of the traditions together while Sydney was taking her nap. We took every ornament off the tree, all the lights came off next, followed by the star. Then we took the tree out to the burn pile, and rinsed out the Christmas tree stand. And the traditions were complete, marking our fifth year without our little Theo.

The Holidays

Our holiday season went really well. Thanksgiving was spent at my grandparents' house, and was very enjoyable. We had the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, and my grandma even made the "gold" of Thanksgiving. My cousins, my siblings, and I all call it Green Fluff! It's the best stuff in the world, and we always joke about it having HAD to have floated down from Heaven in the morning, and then my grandma must have gone out early in the morning to gather it. It's so delicious! It was great getting to spend time with those that we don't get to see very often, and watching all of our children play with one another. However, it wasn't complete. I was missing my brother and his family soooooooo much, and felt on the verge of tears several times during the course of the day. When Charlie decided (toward the end of the day) to take apart the rubics cube, the clock, and something else that I can't remember... well, my emotions were maxed out. We decided to call it a night, and headed home with full tummies, and beds awaiting.

We decided to go to Idaho to spend Christmas with David's side of the family. We had such a wonderful time! David's mom and dad had prepared such a wonderful, cozy space for our family that it was as if we were on a retreat while being there! We made a gingerbread house, cookies, and all sorts of different treats! We played game after game after game, and also delved into a book about personality types! I loved it! Charlie cried when we had to leave to come home, and has since then informed me, "We are going to go to Idaho today, Mommy... RIGHT NOW!" It's wonderful seeing him develop such a bond with his cousins, aunts and uncles, and especially his grandparents. He's said numerous times, however, "No... no... it's GRACIE'S Idaho, Mommy." Gracie is his grandparents' dog.

We had a fabulous time bringing in the New Year with our good friends, Kristen and Scott! However, after having a couple of drinks and not feeling the slightest bit tipsy (I'm a light-weight), the thought dawned on me that I might be pregnant. This had only happened one other time in my life, and that was the evening before I found out I was pregnant with Sydney. So here it was Thursday night, and I decided that I would take a pregnancy test on Monday. I got up on Monday, peed on the stick, and within 25-30 seconds, it read positive. Now, we were not trying to get pregnant... infact, we were trying NOT to get pregnant. So this was a complete shocker for me.

David was playing with the kids on our bed, and I poked my head out of the bathroom for a moment and said, "It's not even been 30 seconds yet, and it's reading positive."

His response was, "Oh, woooowwww..." I went right back into the bathroom, and just burst into tears, and sobbed. I was so overwhelmed with such conflicting emotions and thoughts that I couldn't contain them all.

David came in, hugged me, and then said, "It's gonna be okay, Honey. Three is a good number. Three is a great number!"

"Ooookkkaaaayy," I said.

It was almost a full week before I could shake the feeling of stunned shock. Saturday morning I woke up and realized that this was God's plan. I mean, I knew this was God's plan, but I realized that this was ONLY God's plan... His alone! This baby was not OUR decision, but God's! This realization was sooooooo exciting to me, because I just new that He was sending me three obvious messages: one, that we could handle another baby in our lives, two, that our marriage could handle another pregnancy, and three, that our family needed another child in it. This was amazing to me, and it instantaneously gave me a new perspective, and with it, an incredible excitement! I now can't wait to meet this baby! September seems like such a long way away, but I know it'll be here before I know it!

Random Pictures

Recently Isaiah and Emma (Charlie and Sydney's cousins) came with David's parents to Oregon. On one of these days I decided to try and put Sydney's hair in pig-tails, and I thought it was sooooo cute that I just HAD to post the pictures!

Theo's Birthday

Theo would have turned five this year. I thought for some reason that by the time five years had passed, things would just be easier. I though that maybe I wouldn't miss him as much. Or that maybe the giant hole in my heart wouldn't still feel so empty. I just wonder when I'm going to be able to think about him, and not feel as though I've been punched really hard in the stomach (only it's my heart that feels that way). I can't help but try and imagine what he would have been like if... if things had turned out differently. Would he have had a similar personality to one of my nephews, Jared or Cade? I always use Jared and Cade as a refference, because they were each born only a few weeks before Theo was. I see how those two boys are and how they're best friends. If Theo had been healthy and lived, what would it look like to see the three of them play together, have sleepovers, etc. etc.?

When will the battle in my mind end? When will I not have to fight back those same emotions. You know, those "it's not fair!" emotions. I wish it would have been in God's will to have created a perfect heart for Theo. I wish I hadn't developed severe preeclampcia (toxemia) during my pregnancy with him so that at least he would have been giving a fair chance at recovering from his surgery! I wish things had not gone the way they had! I know... all the wishing in the world can't change what is. So... once again, I'm trying to accept it.

I've stopped asking the question "why?"... there is not an answer in the world that would make Theo's death "worth it" anyway. It's difficult to describe all the conflicting emotions that go on inside of me during this time of the year... or whenever I think of Theo, really. Before March of this year, I would begin with thinking of Theo, wondering what he would be like if he were still alive and had been created healthy. Then my mind would wander over to the "it's not fair" thing. And it would end with me being angry at God. I felt so unloved by Him that it caused a wall to begin building between He and me.

There is a difference between the way things are this year and the way things were in the four previous years, though. The difference is that, although I'm still battling the same emotions, I'm letting God's comforting arms wrap around me. I've let go of my anger toward Him, because it's so lonely living my life without Him. I'm letting Him completely back into my life, and this... well, it's good.

On Theo's birthday (December 1st) we got our Christmas tree (just as we've done every year since his death). Here are some pics. They aren't the best, but usually I forget my camera altogether, so this is an improvement! Lol!

Below are some pictures of Charlie and Sydney picking out a toy from the the "Toy Shop", which is a little shed that the owners of the Christmas tree farmers put together for the kids that come to help pick out a tree with their parents. Each child gets to pick one toy to take home with them. I think it's such a special idea! Charlie picked out a gun, and Sydney picked out a little noise-making-bike.

In the above picture, Charlie had made his choice of a gun! (It actually looked quite real for being a toy.)